I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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