when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
