"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
