i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
