I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
