I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
