I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
