My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
