went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
