Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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