I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
