May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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