At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
