I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
