Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
