this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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