i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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