I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
