They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
