walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
