I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
