I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize