Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
