take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
false alarm, still single
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
