We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
