Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
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