In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
