OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
