So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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