Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
