I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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