FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I can't put those talents on a resume
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
