My nipple is on Facebook.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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