This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
