my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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