You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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