i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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