when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sorry my hands just texted you
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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