Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
