Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
