he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
