So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
