My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
