What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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