Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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