insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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