I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
