Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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