Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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