His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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