My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
