and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Someone shattered a urinal.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
