I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
