last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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